Dear Friends,

Self-control can be hard – for anyone.  I believe it is one of our greatest human strengths - just after love.  God has blessed most of his children with this ability.  There are some that are afraid of the "self" part… using the excuse that if we rely on "self" we are not "with" God.  I would ask you to consider the scriptures 1 Cor. 10:13, 1 Cor. 9:24-27, Tit. 2:12, 2 Tim. 1:7, Gal. 5:23.  I find Proverbs 16:9 is of most help, "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."  The key point, to me, is that we have been given the chance to choose our path.  In my mind we are actually EXPECTED to have self-control.  However, we are not to be self absorbed.  We rely on our faith to guide us, and to help us avoid the temptation of self absorption.  

Self-control is a JOURNEY.  It is not a SWITCH that you can turn off and on – that you can FIX with a simple attitude change.  Why is it that some children seem to have more self-control than others?  Ah…NOW I know the question I will ask when I head upstairs to see THE Boss!  :)  Yes, some children are "wired" to be more patient, more thoughtful of their choices.  However, our chemical makeup, environment, intelligence, diet, authority figures… all play significant roles when learning and maintaining self-control.  

As parents and educators, it is our job to teach our children the techniques that can help them learn self-control.  We want them to be able to adjust to the expectations around them.  It CAN and WILL be a difficult task, but our CHILDREN are WORTH it!  Consider a few additional areas of importance with regard to self-control.

We are dealing with excessive ENTITLEMENT issues in society today… THAT topic can be covered in a complete 6 week series – so I can't address it sufficiently in this blog.  I have listed many helpful entitlement articles on blottcom.com and I encourage you to TRULY assess if your family has fallen into the "Entitlement Trap".  Don't worry, I won't tell anyone if you answer YES and need to improve.  :)  My family, all families have been victim of over indulgence and expectations that are unreasonable.

We are also dealing with a large number of children with attention challenges today.  Again, I don't plan to get into the "why" of this subject, I will leave that to the experts.  Rather, I will say - it is what it is.  HOW we adapt, teach, discipline to this challenge is our choice as adults.  Again, on my website I have posted multiple articles on parenting and teaching the child with ADD - ADHD.  Thankfully, there are many resources out there to provide an excellent environment for teaching all children the GIFT of self control.  I encourage you to brush up on some of these techniques… it will help you become a better parent or teacher and ultimately help the child with a life skill that children NEED so they can adequately adapt to their surroundings.

Studies show that making decisions seem to deplete one's self control.  What does this mean?  If we are pushed to make multiple decisions over a time period, then it becomes harder to have self control.  A dieter may easily avoid a doughnut for breakfast, but after a long day of difficult decisions at work, he has a much harder time resisting that piece of cake for desert.  Or consider an example of losing your temper.  Normally, you refrain from responding negatively to unpleasant things with your spouse.  But one day you are particularly depleted – maybe stress at work or with your children – and you erupt at your spouse.  Your self-control strength was at full capacity, so you lost self-control.

Are you ready for this?  Research indicates that the average person spends three to four hours a day resisting desires (using their self control).  In addition, self-control may be used for other things during the day, such as controlling thoughts and emotions, and task performance.  So most people are challenged many times a day, all day.

Put yourself in your CHILD'S shoes.  Can you see why they need time to NOT have self-control?  A better question, can you understand why they LOSE self-control in the first place?  I encourage you to assess this topic in your home or your classroom.  Are there REASONABLE expectations for your children when it comes to self control?  Do you have ANY expectations?  Are they CLEAR to the child?  As a parent, do you feel you might RESTRICT their personality when expecting them to have self control?  Does this result in NO CONTROL of the child?  WE NEED CONTROL – it can cause the greatest accomplishment in our lives, and the biggest disappointment.  Finding the balance is key – and why we must teach our children the importance of it.  

This IS a tough topic.  But human beings (including children) feel a NEED to improve themselves, and in order to improve, we have to learn some amount of self-control.  I'm still working on it in my life… so I know it is hard for me to MODEL and TEACH it to my child.  But as I often tell my classes – "You have a choice, you can keep raising your child and do their BEST (in actions, not just words) OR you can hand your child over to the "world" and they can raise him or her…based on THEIR expectations of right and wrong.  My husband and I have decided that as much as we like most of the people in this world... we still feel WE KNOW BEST and so we are going to TEACH, MODEL and therefore EXPECT self control from our child.

Did I mention it's a journey?  :)

Blessings to you my friend!
Brandi R. Lott

Hi friends!

As we kick off our week with LOTS of LOVE in the air (as well as PLENTY of SUGAR), I thought you might like a few reminders as you discipline in the classroom and possibly at home too!  :)   The next class series begins February 28th!  I look forward to another fantastic group of parents!

HELPFUL HINTS:

1.  A LOVING ATTITUDE toward the young person… A key principle of the Love and Logic approach is that we preserve the dignity - of the child AND the adult. Does yelling and threatening preserve kids' dignity? How about ours?

So, take a deep breath… ABSORB the situation FIRST… BEFORE you speak. 

2.  As the adult, you are allowed to DELAY the consequence if you just don't know what to do at that time.  A smile, and a quick response that you will have to take care of that later, will give you some time to decide what to do.  (Don't forget the "Energy Drain" consequence)

3.  Remember to SHARE the CONTROL.  Resist the urge to come up with ALL the ANSWERS and SOLVE all the PROBLEMS. Instead, give kids the GIFT of thinking about and solving their own problems.  ASK lots of QUESTIONS, and GIVE lots of CHOICES, so kids stay in on the action.  IF you try to hold on to ALL of the CONTROL… inevitably, you will lose MOST of the CONTROL.

4.  Don't forget you can use only a FEW WORDS to make your point.  Allow them to do some thinking… it is good for a child to process what got them to this point.

5.  Are you using ENFORCEABLE STATEMENTS?  When we are ORDERED to do something, we subconsciously sense a LOSS of personal CONTROL.  When kids tell THEMSELVES of a possible threat, RESISTANCE goes DOWN.  We set limits by what WE will DO or what WE will ALLOW.

THE ORDER    vs.    WHAT THE TEACHER/ or PARENT WILL DO (the Enforceable Statement):

Sit down.  I'm going to start now.
    vs. I'll begin as soon as you are seated.
Be quiet.  It's time to begin.
    vs. I'll be glad to start as soon as you show me that you are ready.
Open your books to page 54.
    vs. I'll be teaching from page 54.
Don't bother your neighbors.
    vs. You are welcome to stay with us as long as you and others are not being bothered.
Don't talk to me in that tone of voice!
    vs. I'll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.

6.  If they FAIL AGAIN… it's ok!  We want them to fail NOW in these LESS DAMAGING areas, when they are YOUNG… BEFORE they can truly harm themselves and their future. 

7.  Don't forget the EMPATHY before the consequences and bad news.  We are sad for kids and we hurt for them when they struggle. Our SADNESS (INSTEAD of our ANGER and frustration) HELPS THEM own problems and learn from the consequences. None of this works without empathy.

8.  RELATIONSHIPS are paramount.  If we are not PRESERVING or enhancing RELATIONSHIPS, we are not really using Love and Logic techniques.



SO… how DO we get kids to THINK?

Dr. Charles Fay, Love and Logic

Have you ever stopped to think about what a blessing it is to be a good thinker? Now I'm not necessarily talking about being a genius or intellectually gifted. I'm mostly referring to being able to use good problem-solving skills and good old-fashioned common sense.
 
As this world becomes ever more complex and temptation-laden, it becomes more and more important that we teach our kids how to build their mental muscles. Listed below are some quick tips:
When your kids ask you for help with something, encourage them to try a bit longer before you jump in to help them. The only way to really learn good thinking skills is by having to figure out some things on your own.
Ask them as many questions as possible. Examples include, "What else might you try? What have you seen other people do to solve this problem? What would happen if you tried_________? Where might you learn how to do that? Is that something you could learn about in a book, by asking someone, or by looking on the internet?"
Allow them to mess up. Too frequently, we step in and tell kids exactly what to do when we worry that they might make a mistake. When the consequences are small, allow them to blow it and learn.

Was this helpful?  Feel free to share this site with a friend - they will appreciate the "tips" to refresh their parenting or teaching relationships!

Have a BLESSED WEEK, (full of LOVE from those YOU love!)

B

Today was a LOSER day.  My girlfriend texted me that although her daughter's soccer team WON the game, they had to forfeit because their coach didn't show.  Another friend said her son led the baseball game with 3 runs, but they lost steam in the last inning...and lost.  My son's football team practiced all summer, and lost today with a "goose-egg" under their name.  Ouch!  I can't EVEN explain how HIGH Ronnie's BP is right now... as we watch our Aggies lose ANOTHER 17 point lead...the second week in a row....  Double Ouch!

How is this related to parenting?  Basically, when we are frustrated, we tend to LECTURE.

Yep, we lecture because their coach should have made better choices...
    Guess who is listening to your every word AND quotes you to all their friends the next day?

We lecture because our child lost steam at the end of the game, and wasn't focused...
    Guess who already knew that?

We lecture because we remember those days when WE led our team to victories...
    Guess who knows that too?

We lecture about those children who are "ball hogs", "too aggressive", "morale busters", etc...
     Guess who quotes ALL of of those comments to teammates the next day?

LOSING is an opportunity to discuss VICTORY in life.  Ask a lot of questions:

• How are you doing? 
• How did you feel about the game today?
• Your coach seemed upset, how do you feel about that?
• I can see you are upset.  It seemed like a hard day?

Remember, when they open up... this is NOT the time to lecture. 
Rather, be a good listener, and remind them how proud you are of them... include a statement like: 

"I've noticed when games get tough, you seem to support others.  It seems like you are maturing into a fine athlete."

"I've noticed when your team's morale is down, Johnnie seems to boost their spirits...the players seem to appreciate that."

If you need to bring up a touchy subject, maybe you could say:
"I've noticed when your team is down you seem to talk down to them.  I wondered what your strategy was with this for your team?"

"I've noticed you were ignoring your coach's requests today... I wonder how he feels about that?  I admit I am a little worried about how much he will play you next week."

If your child is defensive to this (which they probably will be) remember not to engage in an argument.  Rather, respond to your child like: 
"Hmmm, well that is how it looked to me.  I sure to love you, and I know you love the game... and that you will make the right choices for your team."  Remember to hug them and smile as you talk to them!

The point?  They have PLENTY of chances to feel down on themselves.  Their peers, teammates, classes... all present challenges and frustrations.  We, as parents, NEED to be their safety net.  A place for a hug, an ear to listen, a place of REFUGE.   I'm convinced keeping a competitive parent QUIET after a tough loss is one of the hardest things to do... (it ranks up there with a teen rolling their eyes - and we want to YELL at them!)  :)

As parents, we don't condone disrespectful behavior... but we DON'T need to lecture them through it either.  We want them to LEARN how to be a team player, how to think on their OWN two feet.  Remember, YOU won't always be there when their team starts losing...

We want to make small deposits in their "Love Account", so when they have LOSER DAYS - they won't "feel" like a loser, AND they won't correlate sports with a negative feeling from their parents.

I hope you have a WINNING day!
Blessings to you!
B

I can still recall the man's face.  I remember the look in his eyes.  They were grateful, emotional... his eyes were simply beyond words.  He was a father who was tired.  He admitted he had been impatient, a "drill sergeant" kind of parent who told his children what he expected of them, and he got results. 

That morning, his youngest, (who was going into 1st grade) had asked him to tie her shoes.  He did - quickly and efficiently.  About 30 minutes later as they were leaving their home for school, she asked for him to tie them AGAIN... He was very irritated.  He began to lecture her on the fact that she should already know how to tie her shoes.  That "you need to practice to be good at it" and "the world doesn't stop just because you need something... you know, we all have jobs to do in the mornings, and..."  (you get the point) he was frustrated. 

She said "It's ok, Daddy, I can do it."  He sighed.  This was NOT what he wanted, because now she would insist that she could do it, and he knew she couldn't, so they were about to end up in a power struggle.  They were already 10 minutes late.  He sighed again.  He sat down and watched her fumble with the strings.  After many tears, a lesson on tying her shoes, and he missing his bus...she was off to school, and he to work.

That was the morning of September 11th.  He recounted this story days later, as he explained that if he hadn't stopped to tie her shoes, he would have been in Tower One when it fell.

Sometimes it seems overwhelming as a parent.  We lose our cool, we get frustrated and we lecture.  Sometimes we struggle that our children are not on OUR time tables.  When they make us late, our anger boils over.  Of course, we do need to teach them responsibility, but we also need to teach them patience.  Our children will model our behaviors...and modeling patience is a fundamental skill for a well rounded child and adult. 

The next time your child is running behind, take a deep breath.  Remember to be patient.  You can still choose to stick to your time schedule and allow the consequences of your child's actions speak for themselves.  However, sometimes you won't choose to do this, or possibly you CAN'T do this... and you will be late.  This is the reality of parenting.  All the lectures in the world won't fix your schedule...just vow to try again next time.

Remember, that one delayed moment could be the action that GIVES you a next time with your child... When I am frustrated because I want my child to be on my schedule, I often think of this man who learned patience through a very difficult experience.  I stop, I sigh...and I think of one word:  Patience!  :) 

Blessings to you!
B

When I was 16, my favorite teacher... Roxanne Schuster, or "Drama Mama" as the students affectionately called her...asked me to perform a monologue at our high school production.  I was terrified.  I couldn't see how I would be able to perform in front of ALL those people!  But Mrs. Schuster knew what she was doing - I overcame my fear, and began to appreciate the impact of empowering others through speech.  To this day, I see Mrs. Schuster as "the" teacher who impacted my future the most.  The title of the monologue was:  "Please God, I'm only 17!"  This powerful piece was written by John J. Berrio, a WWII veteran and father of five.  In 1967, Mr. Berrio wrote it when his friend's son died in a car accident.  He submitted it to Ann Landers and she published it in her infamous "Dear Abby" column.

I didn't truly appreciate the message of the monologue when I performed it.  Nor did I really understand its' purpose even when I wrote Mrs. Schuster years later.  It is only now when I have a pre-teen son, who is just six years away from driving... that I get it.  So I encourage you to look up Mr. Berrio - read it with your teenager - and more importantly, understand what your expectations are for your child as they choose to drive.

For over 40 years, Jim Fay and Dr. Forest Cline have helped parents raise responsible kids who are prepared to make smart choices about serious issues... and one serious issue is teens driving responsibly.  There are so many simple techniques to help your child have more accountability when he or she begins driving (read the article by Jim Fay that I posted under "Parenting Tips! - Teens").  Whatever you do... don't avoid it and don't put it off. 

Start thinking about this issue now. 
Because before you know it... your precious child will be asking for the keys! 

Blessings to you!
B

How fortunate am I to spread the message of Love and Logic!  Am I the perfect parent?  Gosh, no!  Just thinking about that, makes me LAUGH... :)  But I DO enjoy my job as a PARENT so much more now...and I think my family enjoys our time together as well.  Less bickering, less reminders, more empathy, and LOVE.  We've got a way to go, as he changes from year to year...but facilitating this topic of how to LOVE our children, while we prepare them for LIFE has become an adventure that Ron and I are really beginning to ENJOY.

The fall series is beginning on September 13th!  Here are some answers to a few questions:
-- Is this just for SCS families? 
        No - I would love to see other families join us.  We are offering a discount to SCS families because they are         the "host" school where I will be teaching the program. However, the cost for non-SCS families is still a             significant discount to the national average that is charged for this course.

-- I noticed the series is for FOUR sessions, not SEVEN, is this correct?
        Yes - I decided to reduce the sessions to four rather than seven, because parents are just SO busy!  We             will still review ALL areas of the Parenting with Love and Logic materials, but we will just speed up the               lectures.  If we find a consensus to pursue seven sessions, we might do that at a later date.

-- How do I choose between the EARLY CHILDHOOD class and the regular PARENTING class?
        The Parenting class is an excellent series for all parents...even if you have young children. I actually took             this class first, almost 15 years ago and again when our son was about three.  However, the Early                        Childhood class is designed to address the specific challenges you face with a child that is below six                   years of age.  The examples, techniques and discussions will be targeting this age group, and many                 parents find that this course helps them... as they transition into these early years of parenting!

Have more questions?  Would you like to learn more about Love and Logic?  Jim Fay and Charles Fay have created a GREAT website full of information!  Visit:  www.loveandlogic.com - and when you are ready to take a class, register on my site:  www.blottcom.com.  I would love to see you!

Blessings!
B

For over 20 years, I have experienced the JOY of facilitating topics with groups large and small...and I can genuinely say that I have never experienced the same presentation twice!  I walk in...thinking I have my presentation as clear as can be...and yet I find the group dynamics always lead us to the topics of most VALUE to the audience.  While I follow the important elements that are critical to the training, I ENJOY this flexible and creative aspect of my job!

I truly APPRECIATE the uniqueness of each member of an audience.  Their experiences, character and insight are what makes my job so much FUN!  Thankfully, I always learn something new in each session.

I attended my first Parenting with Love and Logic training in 2002, and I was in awe of how SIMPLE the concept was... it was a timeless approach to parenting.  Created by Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline in 1977, Love and Logic prepares young people to live in the real world, with its many choices and consequences.  This is not some "new age" program of checks and balances...rewards or punishments.  Love and Logic allows the CHILDREN to take responsibility for their actions, thus empowering the child to learn from their mistakes as they work through the consequences.

My goal?  To encourage and empower YOU, as a parent or teacher...or both!  To empower you with ACTUAL techniques that will bring the FUN back into your home or classroom!  To leave more time for you to ENJOY the relationship with your children and students, instead of bogging down your time with mindless arguing and reminders.  Discipline CAN be a challenge...but isn't that what makes our job GREAT?  Our job as teachers and parents is to raise RESPONSIBLE kids who will lead productive lives in our world.  Fortunately, our children give us PLENTY of opportunities to TEACH them the value of real life consequences!  Let the FUN begin!  :)

Blessings!
B